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why i’ve been gone (mental health, alcohol, medications)

Hi I just want to preface this by saying I’m so sorry for leaving you for what three four? months now But that’s the reason a good reason. But yeah, I just want to sit here and Kind of explain where I’ve been and why I’ve been gone basically, so hi. Welcome back I missed you So I’m gonna just jump right in as many of you know I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for a very very long time and when I was about 13 I developed a very weird anxiety disorder called I Just farted called Depersonalization and do you personalisation I don’t put a little definition on the screen and you can look it up and put some articles Down in the description, but it is terrifying and basically when I’m when I’m having a really bad depersonalization DP and probably just gonna call it this the rest of the video you can’t like capture your consciousness or like your personality like you just kind of feel like a Robot or like like you don’t exist if that makes any sense like sometimes I’ll just look in the mirror like not recognize myself But like know, I’m still there.

It just it sucks, but I developed it around 13 When I was around 14 I was like fuck this shit I’m out and I went to doctor and I was like what the fuck’s going on with me? Please help me. I made a whole video about it when I was in O2L Like about a few years ago, but I’m just gonna be giving a little update and more deeper story they put me on antidepressants and anti-anxiety and Flash-forward to last year. I’m like, oh my gosh, this medicine is not working anymore I feel shitty and depressed again, and I Have really bad DP.

So my doctor was like hey, let’s put you on a brand new medicine. Whoa It’s called Prozac and I was like excited whatever. I started taking it. I started feeling great It was about last year I moved into my place where I lived alone before I moved in here with Lauren and I was just starting a new chapter of My life and I had a check-in session with my doctor and I was just like I was just like hey Like I feel amazing like I love this medication and she’s like great. Let’s up your dose And I’m like wait, but I already feel good.

Like I feel happy my life’s productive I have great, you know social life and I’m just getting the hang of like adulting like whoa We’re already fucking moving up doses I guess I was like, okay, you’re a doctor like I’ll fucking listen to you Like you have a PhD ICK I don’t fucking know you you know what you’re talking about So I listened to her, doubled the dose To my surprise. I didn’t know we were going up that much and then It kind of went downhill. I was doing fine for probably six months And then flash-forward to me not being on YouTube for five months. That’s what happened before I say this very intense Next segment of the video. I want you to like know that I am. Okay now I’m doing great I’m doing the best I’ve done in so fucking long and I couldn’t be more happy about it So that leads me to the last few months of my life. I started to feel very numb and When you’re on antidepressants, sometimes you can get that side effect.

You’re not sad. You’re not happy. You’re just plain fucking numb and I can’t say it’s a bad feeling because you can’t feel it But I started to realize My friends pointing it out and me pointing it out and just like like realizing like there was I had a family member that died and I Didn’t cry like I did I didn’t feel anything. I felt numb like I know I knew it was sad I knew I was like shouldn’t I be like sad things was like and I was like, oh my god I’m a fucking sociopath I am I’m going completely Bonkers, like I’m going insane or like for instance of something really good happens to me. I’m just like, oh, okay, and I just couldn’t cherish in like savor moments or just like react with human emotions and that led me to This next part of my life where I was so goddamn fucking bored because I would just didn’t feel anything so that led me to go out a lot and get distracted from my work and trying to feel something with alcohol and going out and just like I’m not an alcoholic and I don’t have addictive tendencies at all but I was just so fucking bored that I would just go out and get so distracted from my work and I know that ever since I was a little boy that all I wanted to do is perform and make Videos and make people happy and I wasn’t fucking doing that and I am sorry I started to have friends distance themselves from me Because they couldn’t deal with the way I was acting now that I think about it now All I was doing was going out and distracting myself was honestly numbing myself even more you know and That wasn’t smart of me.

So I went to my doctor and I was like, hey, I can’t fucking feel anything That’s when I realized I told her I saw my doctor I said I’m gonna cold Turkey all this shit all My anxiety medication all my antidepressant medicine. I’m not sad. I’m just like I’m fucking numb Also, this is like not me trying to promote you to get off your medication If you’re on any medication, this is just what I thought was the right decision for me and it is working for me But this is not me trying to promote you to cold turkey any of your meds okay, enjoy the rest by now, so it’s now been three weeks and They have been really hard three weeks I’ve been taking antidepressants for four or five years now, so your body, my body’s gonna have some sort of reactions So I was struggling with insane night sweats nightmares insane mood swings I would cry At absolutely fucking anything like I was in the airport and I ordered a chocolate chip cookie And there was like one accidental walnut in there and I’m allergic to walnuts and I literally just fall to the airport floor and I start Bawling my eyes out.

Like what everyone is looking at me like that type of shit like the bitch I bitch I could have easily bought another cookie or traded it in for another cookie, but jeez just cry on the fucking floor That’s what’s been going on. So now three weeks in and I’m leveled out and I can feel things again and I have emotions and I feel like a human and I’m not depressed I’m not depressed and I have way less anxiety. My friends are telling me I’m more vibrant. I am motivated again I’m doing little things every day to help myself like getting manicures or getting a spray tan, and I’m going to gym every other day and now Back at work making videos like your job is so fucking easy You’re, I’m sitting on the fucking floor like talking about my problems.

Like I was so dumb and I’m so sorry that I was gone for so long, but I had to go through this phase of my life to realize That that was meant to happen. So yeah, I’m also doing this video because I’m not just gonna randomly I’m not just gonna randomly make a video, when I don’t feel good when I’m not in a good mental space I’m not gonna be like DIY Slime tacos with dildos fucking me like I can’t I can’t do that and also I’m not just gonna leave for four months and come back and be like burrito mukbang So I just need to come back with an honest statement of why I’m gone and Maybe next week, I’ll do a burrito mukbang But not now bitch.

I have been feeling human again And that’s that’s important for me, especially for my depersonalization. Just good to be back baby. Um, before I end this I wanted to announce some things I Just came out with brand new merch Let me turn around for y’all Oh, you can’t see that shit. Oh, oh, there we go. Anti Sinner Sinner club I did my own little rendition and I want to give the kids what they fucking want But yeah, go check it out Amazon Prime It’ll literally take like a day or two to get to your house Like if you get it, cut that shit into a crop, top tie it up throw some bleach on a bitch, Tie-dye it. Honestly take a fat shit on my merch, but What you have to do, to do that is get it and also guys, um I am about finished with my music my new music project. And that’s also where I’ve been because when I’m sad and depressed I’m gonna write about it because you know, I’m an artist I wrote a lot of songs about Amazing things and terrible things so looking forward for you here And also my newest single will be dropping in probably a few weeks

As found on Youtube

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